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PostSubject: Isn't It?    Mon Jun 01, 2015 6:34 pm

Written June 5, 2011


I can't stop thinking of you. My mind, it's always on you. I can try to distract it, to occupy it with something else. Work. Movie. School. Anything. I try to distract it, to get you off my mind. It always goes back to you. I can't stop thinking of you. I shouldn't. I know I shouldn't. I can't help it. I'm not even sure if I ever want to stop thinking of you. If I do then it means you're gone. Gone for good. Not just from my life, but from my mind. I don't want that. Not one bit. I can't let go. I don't want to. I need you. Maybe I should though. Maybe we are better off apart. Less stress perhaps. Less happiness. Least for me. You're my smile. My real smile. No matter how things stress me. No matter how hard it gets. You're my smile. You make me smile. Smile. Such a simple thing you would thing. Not in my mind though. Not with me. I don't smile. Yet I smile when I'm with you. When I think of all our good times. When I think of our future together. Our future. It's gone. I lost it. My future plans. My future life. All I had laid out. It's gone. Just memories. Memories. They haunt my thoughts. They haunt my thoughts with you. Everything you said to me. All we did together. All of it. Haunting. Song. Songs. They bring so many memories. Songs you sent me. All with meaning. It all meant something. It sill does. What does it matter though. It's all gone. I don't want it to be. But it is. Isn't it? I don't know. Part of me says it is. That I lost my chance. That I lost it all. To give up. To let go. To forget it all. Forget. I can't. I won't. I don't want to. There is still hope. Least the other part of me thinks there is. Hope that things will change. Hope that you'll forgive me. Hope that you'll come back to me. Hope that the future I had planned with you will still happen. Am I insane though. I am. I have to be. You don't want me. No. I know you do. I know you love me. I know this is hurting you too. You can't though. You can't be with me. You won't. I'm too much. You can't handle it anymore. You can't handle me anymore. Me with all my problems. Me with all my insecurities. Me with all my doubts. I should have just let things be. I should have just let me be. Everything that happened infected it all too much. Affected us. Us. I miss that. I miss you. You. You with you're big goofy grin. You with your fierce piercing stare. With your soft eyes. I miss you. I love you. Everything about you. That won't ever change. Never. I made you a promise. I'll keep it. Even when part of me thinks it would be better if I walk away. Separate me from you. Not because I want to. Not because I need to. But because it might be better for you. But to walk away would to be to break my word to you. I won't do that. Not even if you say I can. To go. I won't. I'll keep my word. No matter how it may hurt. I'll be there. I don't want to go. I want to go back though. Back to how things were in the start. I know I can't though. I know we can't. Is it too much to want though. Things were great. They were wonderful. They were peaceful. I believe I can be that way again. I just need to figure myself out. I am. It's too late though. Isn't it? Too late. To far gone. I still hope though. Hope. You'd think me a fool. I can't help it. I love you. I need you. My heart. My world. My life. Too much. I've depended on you in my life too much. I need to stand on my own feet. I don't want to depend on you. I want to be able to stand alone and help hold our life together. Together. It's gone. I want to change that. This is so hard. Hard not to message you sweet nothings. Hard not to call you baby. Hard not to say I love you. Hard not to kiss you. So hard not to kiss you. A kiss that could restore us perhaps. A kiss that could seal us. A kiss that could tear you away from me for good. Do I risk it is what I ask myself. Do I risk telling you how I feel and possibly lose you. Do I risk it. I don't know. I don't know if I should. I don't know if I can. I don't want to lose you from my life. Is it really even a life though. It was. It was a life I was planning on living with you. A life I was working toward to be with you. Now it's nothing. Nothing because I don't know where to go now. My life is at a stand still. I have to start figuring it all out again now. What I am going to do with my life. Is it a life worth having though without you. I don't think it is. I won't deny that I'm sure I could live one with out you. Nor will I deny that living one without you will be worth it. It wouldn't be easier either. You're my life. After everything we've been through. The lying. The cheating. The blaming. The doubts. The fights. The issues. I still want that life with you. I believe we could make it. I know we could. But you can't deal with it anymore. You can't deal with me. With my issues. With my problems. I thought you could. I thought you were the only one ever able to do that. To do that and stand up to me. To also stand on your own. To stand on your own but lean on me when you needed the support. I support you. In every choice you make. I may not agree with you in things you do. Or things you say. But I support your choice in making them. Like I do now. This is your choice. Your choice to not be with me. I will support it. Even if I don't want to. Even if I want to fight it. To try and get you back. You don't want that though. And so I support your choice. And I leave you be. That is what you want. Isn't it?
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