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PostSubject: Conflicted   Sun May 31, 2015 11:14 pm

Written September 24, 2009


My heart is racing, my body aching. I'm not sure how I feel exactly, all these different emotions flowing through me. Emotions, terrible things and wonderful all in the same. Flowing through every fiber of my body. Depression...lust...anger...sincerity...love...all can be defined and pointed down to a reason and yet they can't. Words may have meanings but it all means more, things you can't describe or even want to half the time. Certain actions can make these and more rise and fall within moments. Having power over such is a dangerous thing, not having power over your own even more dangerous.

Numbness, no emotion, is it possible? Can you kill every sensation of any emotion within your being? Some say they have, others try, but has it be done? Can you not experience the rush of anger when someone or something goes wrong? Can you deny the lust you can crave for another's body? Can you help but falling in love, no matter what kind of love, with another?

What happens when everything you know changes? When all that you thought was a bit of a pattern in this crazy world is gone. Everything you would deny, everything you would avoid, everything that pushed you away is now the very thing that calls you. Where do you go? What do you think? What do you do? Do you keep through with the path that you are on and see where it leads? Or do you turn back, close the path away and never look back?

Who have I become? Am I still myself or someone new? I feel a change yet me. A complication of emotions filling me, conflicting me, driving me insane. What to do...what to think...what to feel...I don't know anymore. Live the day for the day, take each moment with what comes. If it is bliss then it is, if it is a complication deal with it and move on. A way to live. A way to be. A way to think. Can it happen? Is any of this possible or is it all just thought?

I know where I want to go, I know what I want to do, I know who I want to be with. I have this all set in my mind, but is it all possible? Its hard to say when the day changes, when emotions change, when everything is so uncertain. All I know is that I have changed. I am no longer the wild woman jumping from guy to guy for boredom. I am no longer carefree of to what goes on with my relationships. I have hit a point in my life where I for once know exactly what I want and now hope it all works out. It isn't something that is just simply in my grasp anymore. It is something I have to strive and work for and am. My future, my life, my heart.

Now to just see where it all goes...
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