Is it Enough?

Have you ever found yourself faced with an unfamiliar familiar topic? You've been there before, you've had to deal with things like this before, yet this time its different? What do you do? Make the same choice you always made and walk away? Or stand your ground, hold firm to your words and see what happens?

What if the choice kills you either way? Sure with the first choice you may heal, you may move on, but what if you really don't want to and feel as though none will ever measure up in comparison? Do you still walk away?

What if you stay, hold onto what you want to believe is real and know may be false? How do you hold yourself together when your head and your heart are fighting? You've found the truth, you know whats going on, you know what may come out of, but you hope for something else. Do you still stay?

The head tells us the logic of things, it knows what we've seen, it knows what we've heard, it knows how to put things together and they don't add up right. Then slowly little more details fall into place and the suspicions become accurate, how can one stay after that? After finding out it all and still love?

The heart is how. The heart knows all the head tells it, but it sees more, it sees the soul. It holds a deep love that it wants to give only that one. But how much can a heart take? Can so much pain, so much heartbreak, so many lies actually kill it? They say no one has ever died from a broken heart, but have they? Can love in the heart surge up to the head and with the battle between the two it just suddenly quit?

So what do you do? Do you let this battle inside yourself rage on till either it just quits or something changes? Or do your force yourself to walk away and let the battle slowly die inside you? Is love really enough to hold you to someone? I know it can't hold you completely, there has to be trust, there has to be more than just love. But what if all the trust is lost? Or at least most of it, can love for someone still hold you to them?

I've always considered the most powerful weapon to be love. It gives us strength as well as weakness. It can make or break us. I sometimes envy those who are immune to love, they have nothing to hold them to anything. I've almost been there myself a few times, yet someone came along with a strong enough pull on my heart to open me wide once again. Love is such a dangerous thing, it brings with it a wide arrange of emotions, from being happy to complete sorrow.

Now I ask how can someone who has been hurt so many times, felt used so many times, fallen too hard a few times, and yet they still go on trying to love. Why? Is it a sick mentality for them, do they like the pain, does it give them something to feel? Or can they just not help being a hopeless romantic and believe that true love exists?

I've posted before how I felt on love, that I consider it to have different levels and I highly believe in that. But where do you go once you've reach that last level? How can you move on from having that? Do you think it could happen again? I don't, I think there is only that one chance for a love like that. Sure you can reach a certain level and stop there, I have no doubt in my mind about that. You just don't risk reaching a higher level and stay where you are, happy and safe. Why didn't I do that?

Back in 2007 I met this great guy, he pursued me for a few months, vanished when he couldn't have me, and came back. We started dating that December. He treated me amazing, would have given me the world if I asked for it and done whatever I wanted. Yet for me it wasn't enough, it didn't feel like enough, I felt I needed more. We lasted a few months till I ended it, to this day we don't really speak, I won't deny what I did to him and I do apologize for it. He honestly deserved better than me and I will never deny that. I just needed something else, I needed something right for me and he wasn't. If I had stuck with him though I don't doubt I could have had that level of happy and safe. I could be engaged or even married to him right now if we had stuck it out.

Now I've always been a firm believer of "things happen for a reason". What if all my past relationships fell apart because I was meant to find this one? A love that holds me so strongly to someone that the thought of letting go kills part of me. A love that took me by surprise more than anyone else. A love that even they didn't expect though they were the ones pursuing.

Back in 2008 before I stumbled back onto my VF account I thought I had found a real love. We lived so far apart but I felt it was great. I met him through RP, I had been shutting down my emotions trying to stop loving and caring, and honestly it was working, I was so close to being numb. Then I met him, he seemed weak and strong all the same. He was with someone that he told me treated him wrongly, and if it was true he didn't seem to deserve it. He pulled me back into the wild rush of emotions, he made me love again. I could say I wasted a good time of my life on him, but I learned a lot from it. We only dated about a month I believe, but he led me on more so after we ended. This man did nothing but completely lie to me about everything and I honestly don't know even to this day if his "love" for me was true, how can I? I can say I loved him, but then how do you love a lie? I won't go into detail what he did to me, but it pushed me to a point where I was ready to give up on everything and everyone. I pushed many people out of my life when he hurt me and I do honestly believe if it wasn't for two certain people in my life refusing to give up, I don't think I'd be alive today. Don't get me wrong, I've never been one for the easy way out, death is easy its living that's hard. I just didn't want to feel the pain anymore. It took sometime, but I was able to slowly heal. That's when I joined VF to escape the other places I was.

Love is hard, everyone knows this, love never comes easy. Online love is even harder and yes I am an e-dater. I've dated a really good share of guys online, in fact most of them I've dated or met online. Now don't think I can't get someone where I live, I can, its easy. I just prefer to find something more, a higher connection of a level with someone then people who live around where I do. And yes I could meet someone online and date a few towns over which I have done and it did not work. They say we all have that soul mate, the one we are meant to be with and its very rare that we all find it. Usually when it is found its due to those two people randomly meeting in a far away city on vacation, or just happening to break down in a small town and meet this love of your life. So who is to say that you can't find that someone online?

Back in 2006 I thought I had, I randomly found this guy on Myspace that fit everything I described I wanted in a guy when I was younger, right down to his looks. I thought this is the one, this is who I'm destined to be with and it will all work out. I was wrong, it lasted only a few weeks ending in a really lame reason. Took me months to move on fully, part of my heart will still always be his though, he was my first true love. If you are counting you would know I've loved truly 3 times. The third has ended recently and I can honestly say means more to me than any had in the past.

I could go into detail of why I'm not with this person right now, what went wrong, who is to blame if there is anyone, but its really no ones business of what happened. I'm not writing this to complain, to whine, to get sympathy, I'm just writing this to get it out. I do honestly love this man I believe I will do so till my dying day. I even at times think he will be the death of me for what hes put me through and for how I love him. Yes, I could forget him, I could move on, I could find someone else, thing is I don't want to. I really can't see how anyone will ever compare to the way I love him. How fair would that be for me to be with someone else if I can't love them like that? I don't think its fair at all and for all I know it could be the reason he isn't with me.

I do hope to have him back, I do believe we could work things out, I do know I need him in my life.

If you are reading this please do note I'm not asking for advice, not at all, I'm just curious to know what others think. I will ask for props only because I know the more props, the more this may be read and commented on.

Now that you have read this I'm sure you could be thinking what the hell is wrong with me. To answer you, a lot. I know how fucked up in the head I am, I know how stupid I seem to be holding onto something that is most likely so wrong for me to. I know how sick this whole situation has made me physically and emotionally. I don't care, I know who I am, I know what I want and who I want. The choice isn't mine, its fates, always has been and always be. This man came into my life randomly, he became my friend by choice, he became so much more to me unexpectedly. I never wanted to love him, when he tried I denied him. He was and is the type of guy I always said I'd never be involved with. Yet I fell in love with him, not by choice, by fate. Like I said I am a firm believer that things do happen for a reason. He is who I love for a reason. What that reason is I don't know. I do know there is so much that is complicated and needs to be sorted out and hopefully will be. I do know I want more of a chance with him. And as many have told me and he has himself, I know I deserve better. Thing is I don't care, I don't want better, I want him.

I've been thinking, I've been crying, I've been through tons of pain. I know what I should do, I know what I could do, I know what I want to do. I do not know what I will do yet, its not fully my choice, I do have an idea of how I will try. Well back to my thinking I suppose and thank you for those who do actually take time to read what someone writes.