Do You Ever Wonder?

Do you ever wonder why we do things? Why we try when it seems like its only going to fail? Why bother at all? Why put ourselves through the torture of the act or the pain of the end result?

We do it out of habit perhaps? Nature? A need to succeed?

They teach us as we grow up that you should strive for what you want and you shall receive it. That in order to succeed you have to keep pushing through no matter what. That through hard work you will be rewarded.

So many things in life that can apply to, so few that it can work for. As we grow up we are taught a lot, shaped and molded into what we will be through all the things we experience. These things do change us, the help us grow, some stronger, some weaker, but they help us grow.

What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.

Truest statement I've ever heard. Pain does make you stronger, it builds up walls and provides a strong will. Those who can't take it usually wear down and either vanish or die off. Life is a journey, for most a long one, some not all. It gives us trials and different paths to choose. It provides us with experiences, joy, pain, and so many more things. But what for? What is the real goal of life? To live it? To live it to its fullest? To procreate?

What is the point anymore? The world is over populated, people die and are born everyday. Sure you want to keep your bloodline going. But really, what is the point?

I ask these questions because I wonder constantly. My mind never ceases to think no matter how much I wish it would at times.

I ask why because I want to know, maybe not from an individual but as a whole. What is the point to anything anymore?

I know why I do things. I know why I continue on. For goals I wish to reach. For answers I wish to receive. For myself.

Why do I though? Why do I care? Why not just take an easy way out and stop existing? Why? Because that's too easy. I like a challenge, I like to fight for what I want. I want to reach my goals and live this life to its fullest and get the greatest thing in the world to me.

I have my issues, I even think at times I really screwed up in the head for how I think. Yet I know myself, I know who I am, I know where I want to go, I know what I want, I know who I want in my life.

I sometimes wonder how things would have gone if I did it another way. If I had given something I try or if I had not done something else. But what is the point to that? I can't go back and change it and if I could would I really want to? The choices I've made in my life have made me who I am now, have brought me to this point I'm at. A point that I don't even really know anymore. Sometimes I feel I am at my breaking point, that I've reached my limit, yet I keep pushing through. I'm a fighter, I'm strong willed, I'm stubborn as fuck, and I above all I am me.

For those of you who can't accept who I am then there is no point of having you in my life. For those of you who can then I welcome you along in my journey.

I know what I've been through, no one else does, some know bits, but none know what goes through my head. I don't write this for pity or any other emotion. I write this because I feel I need to get things off my chest, out of my head, free my soul some. I know I've experienced things in my life, things that have brought me joy and plenty that has brought me pain. I've been through quite a bit of pain in my life and over the years it takes more and more to hurt me because of it. I've learned though physical pain hurts a good deal, emotional pain hurts more. It leaves scars that are harder to hide, wounds that are harder to heal, a life that is harder to live. Now don't go thinking "oh she's crying for attention" or "oh she's going to hurt herself, blah, blah, blah". I'm not nor will I. Writing helps me, it helps me understand myself and the things I'm going through. It helps clear my head a bit and provides myself with answers. As I write I think instead of dwell.

Some know of my current situation and I am sure more than some are more annoyed with me due to it. It is my choice though, I didn't ask for advice, I didn't ask for help, I just asked for someone to listen and be there. I love a good bit of you, but you failed me on that. I know you got tired of hearing it, but is there not times that all you want is someone to listen so you can relieve some of that stress on you? That was all I wanted and I apologize for the annoyance, just wish a few of you would have been there for me on it though. I know what I am doing in the situation and I also don't. I know how I feel, I know what I want, and I know what I "should" do. Just support me through my choices, no matter how you feel or how you see it, let me make my own choice and my own mistakes if it is.

For those of you who don't know the ordeal please don't ask, I'm tired of talking about it as much as others are on hearing it. It has hurt me, it has brought me to tears, and it has done a great deal on my will power. I'm still here though, I'm still pushing through, I'm still fighting for something I want in my life.

I spoke with a pretty much complete stranger on it earlier, I was hurting and just needed someone to listen, he did. He didn't judge me, he didn't offer advice, he let me say what I wanted to get out and spoke with me briefly and asked me things. That was what I needed, it helped clear my head enough to calm down and write this. He didn't pity me either, in fact the opposite if I am right on his words, he envied the other in my ordeal. He considered the other to be very lucky, a fool, but lucky none the less to have me in their life. I want to agree with him, but I can't. I've never been one to be full of myself and think "oh you are so lucky I'm in your life". It's just not me, those type of people have always rather annoyed me.

I've always hated bullies, ones that pick on others for how they look, dress, or act. When I was a child I was picked on a lot, but as I grew I learned to not care what others think. The only opinion that truly mattered in my life was my own. Yes I do care what those I hold close think of me, they matter in my life, but when it comes down to the bottom line, my thoughts on myself are all that matter. If you can't think good of yourself how can others? I know I'm strong, I know I have a pretty face, I know I dislike my body, and I know that I'm not full of myself nor am I humble. I am just me.

I work hard, I play when I can. I am strange, insane, sweet, bitchy, and so many more things. I hurt a lot and I love greatly. Those who have taken time to even get to know a part of me know what I am. I can say that I have been told they are lucky to have me in their lives and I think others would be lucky if I wasn't. I have hurt others, not so much physically but as emotionally. I do not think well of myself for doing it and I do believe karma has gotten me back a great deal for it. I was taught right from wrong, but I still make my own choices on what I do. I know what I want to do with my life and how I want to do and who I want to do it with. I know I really dislike people, I've never been a people person though I've been a pleaser. I enjoy making people I care for happy and I could give a fuck about the rest. I know I can be judgmental and even a bit of a hypocrite at times. I dislike double standards and try my best not to commit them. I both loathe and adore attention. I want to be noticed by the one that matters the most in my life and ignored by those I don't care to know. I don't want to be famous but I've become infamous a few times. I am a hopeless romantic that puts others before herself and wishes that no matter how much she wants to be with someone just wants them to be happy. I'd die for what I believe, I'd die for those who matter, I'd die for my love.

I could go on, but I doubt many will even read this, its just rambling of words. Yet it helps. It frees me, it opens my soul a bit more to breathe and figure things out.

As much as I fight and strive for what I want I stop and wonder, is it worth it? Yes. It is worth it to me. All the pain it causes me. All the torture it puts me through. All the wearing and tearing at my core. It is still worth it to me. Even though it may be the death of me one day, it is still worth it. What you ask is worth all this to me? Love. My whole life I've searched for it, I could even say my past lives. Love is worth everything to me. I'd sacrifice the world to obtain it. Now you can say I haven't searched for it my whole life, but I have. As a child I searched for the love of a parent, I had the love of my mother that she could give me when she wasn't working to provide for me. My father? I gave up on that when I was 15, he loves me I'm sure, but I stopped caring for his love. I didn't start dating till I was 17 out of my own choice. I found plenty of guys willing to offer their love, whether it was genuine or not. From then till now I've dated over 40 guys, I lost count a few years back. Sure from that you can think I'm a whore or whatever you'd like, I know I'm not. I did a good deal of e-dating, most only lasting a week to two. I didn't stay with many of them for too long because I was searching for more. There has been some pretty good guys in my life, ones I am sure if I had stayed with I could be married now and who knows what. I needed something else though, whether they weren't good enough for me or I for them, the fit wasn't right. I've come close with a few, a few I thought "this is the one" yet I was wrong. Due to one thing or another those relationships fell away and I don't speak with most of them anymore. There are some exes I can still talk to, though its mainly a few words or we end up fighting over something stupid.

A few years back I met this older guy through a RP once. We sat in a userplane chat with others from the rp and spoke. He docked me one night and spoke to me from my core. He told me I had an old soul, I was wise beyond my years. That I hurt, I felt broken and that all I searched for was love. I never thought much of it till recently of how it affected me. He was right, I did hurt, I fell broken a lot and I know I long for love.

If any of you have read VTR you might have read about the Daeva and if you haven't you may want to google it to know what I am speaking of. I've RPed a Daeva since 2006, it has always been fitting to myself.

There is a quote I plan to have tattooed on myself one day, it goes "Being Irish is knowing in the end the world will break your heart". I've always loved that quote for I believe it to be true. The world is a cruel and horrible place, in my opinion it deserves to be destroyed, I look forward to that day.

I feel lost a lot, I feel broken from time to time, yet I keep going. Why? I don't know sometimes. I'm tired of hurting, I'm tired of striving, I'm tired of feeling used and misunderstood. Yet I keep going, why?

I think I've found a few people in my life that understand me, can see where I am coming from and follow a similar path to mine. One of them even said that to me once, I didn't think of it much till now. He spoke of how I had a dark soul, which I knew I did. He spoke of how I walked a similar path as him, as I can see I do. If you think down to it and compared us, we could be the same though opposite sex. I see him as my eternal mate, the one I was designed for, the one I shall never walk away from or hurt intentionally. I love him with my core. Does he see it? I don't know. As you might of guessed this journal is mainly about him and how I feel toward him though I speak of other things. Why? Because I feel I can't live without him. Now I know others have said that and been just fine, but I feel it. Having him out of my life hurts greatly. Yes I want to be more with him than just a "friend" as we stand now, but I'd rather have him as that then gone from my life. This world I'd give him in a second. My life I'd lay down in place of his. I will always be at his side.

Yes, he has hurt me a great deal and I am sure I have hurt him some. Yes, I know I seem a fool for holding on and trying. Yes, I am sure I could do better and perhaps deserve better. No, I do not want "better". I want him. All of him. I want to be the one that he holds tight in his arms and kisses at night. I want to be the one that he comes home to after a long day. I want to be the one to provide him offspring. I want to do all the pointless and meaningless things with him. I want to be his and him mine. I hope for all this though I realize my hopes may be in waste. I just need him in my life.

I sit here and think a good deal about him and the whole situation and I wonder why do I keep trying? Is he really worth all this pain. Yes. He is worth it all. Why? Because as much as he has hurt me, he is the only one that makes me truly happy. For all it is worth, I love you. You may not read this, you may not care, I don't know since you don't share your thoughts with me, but I do deeply and truly love you. I don't care if you think I deserve better or what anyone else thinks about us, you are all I want. I will fight for you till you fully push me away, that is the day I know you truly don't want me. Whatever you choose to do, whatever path you take I will be there to help you and guide you as much as I can without interfering in your own choices. If you do read this I am sure you are considering vanishing from my life again, don't. You know how I feel, you know how I think, you know me and even if you don't think I do, I know you. I know when you are upset about something someone said to me. I know when you are upset when I say something or do something and it is taken the wrong way. I know you've been hurt and I know you've hurt others. Most of all I know I don't care about the past choices, I care about the present, what happens now makes the difference. I won't say much more to this here, we can talk if you'd like and yes I would like to.

To those of you who know who I am referring to, do not judge, do not say a word, it is our ordeal to sort out.

I know I'm not right in the head, I know I am pretty fucked up. But I do know what I want. So as I wonder about things and question everything I figure my answers out, I sort through the haze and find a way. So now I bid you farewell till my next rambling, I know there was other things I wanted to say but as I said before my mind never stops, it jumps from one thing to the next that I lose what I was thinking of saying.