Lost and Hurting

I'm lost. I'm hurting.

I found the one man that I've always said I'd never be with his type. He is egotistical, a jerk, hairy, military, and constantly flirts. So why do I love him so much?

He fits me, he knows me, he is my other half.

I can't stand him at times and the rest of the time I just never want to leave his arms.

He has consumed me, gone beyond capturing my heart and became it. Its very rare he ever leaves my thoughts.

He hurts me, blocks me out, lies to me, plays with my feelings. Yet I continue to love him.

What is wrong with me? What has come over me to care so much for a guy like this? This isn't me, least not who I used to be. Any man that entered my life like this before I would have pushed right back out.

He isn't the man I first met, he's changed, he's grown, and I still love him for every bit of him.

When I met him I mocked him, I knew I didn't want to be in his life. I kept him close for if I needed him and I did not want to anger him. Then he grew on me, I accepted him as a friend, I found we shared similar likes and dislikes, we walked a similar path. I still kept him at an arms length, I didn't want him and closer. I was not attracted to him in any way or form. Then as though a spell were cast upon me, I fell in a deep love with this man. I can't tell you why I love him, I can't tell you all the things I know about him. I know I can't stand him being sweaty and hairy, but I'd never leave those arms even if he was. I know I can't stand how he treats some people, but I do the same to others. And I know I enjoy doing things with him that I can't stand doing with others.

How do you know when you really love someone? Is there really a way to define it or do you just know? I know I can't let go of him. I want to fight for him all I can, but I won't if he does not wish me to. I don't have to follow his rules or his ways, but I do because I don't want to upset him or hurt him.

I just want to love you. I just want to be held by you. I just want to kiss those lips again. I want you in my bed again. I want to be your everything. Why can't you feel the same? Something I'm sure I'll never know and not even sure I want to. I don't want to sound desperate, I'm not. I don't want to sound needy, I'm not. I just want you to know how I feel, know that my words are true, know that I will NOT hurt you intentionally. Why can't you just share your life with me like you used to? Am I not worth it anymore? Was I ever?

-Sighs.- I can barely even bring myself to write anymore. I don't feel broken for you can not break what was not whole. I just feel lost. I know what I want, I know how I can get it, but I won't force it. I can accept being just a friend, but not if you want more. Tell me you don't love me, that you never did, that it was all lies, something for you to pass the time with and I'll know I was never anything to you, but do it honestly. Tell me how you feel honestly. Do what you know you need to do honestly. You follow an oath, stick to it. Can you really tell me goodbye from your life? Can you see yourself not having me in it? I can't see mine without you.

Just talk to me.