Get a Life

So I've been doing thinking, as I usually do, but more so lately on this. I'm tired of so many things and of people in general.

I'm no longer the person I was 5 years ago before I got online, nor am I the person 4 years ago when I started out meeting people online. I'm not the person I was 3 years ago playing a whore of a RP character and being compared to her. And I'm no longer the person I was 2 years ago heading to a break down and then joining this site being a silent person. Nor am I the person I was a year ago who thought she found true love and was heading toward making a future of it. I am the person I am now, the person who has gone through all of this and more things. Dealing with people she can't stand, dealing with people who hold double standards, and people who can just be plain idiots.

I've gone through changes, with each person I meet and grow close to my core changes a bit, good or bad, it changes. I adapt, I learn of things around me and grow to deal with it in a simple way instead of charging at it. I am a pleaser to those close to me, I can't stand to see them hurt, upset and such, I try to do my best to help and cheer them up.

Now the question to myself is, why? Why do I bother to please you people when you throw double standards at me? What in all honesty do you mean to me? You don't show I mean too much to you but with simple words as "I was thinking about you" or "You will be ok". When in general you mean "I need someone to talk to and you came to thought" or "Get the fuck over it, I don't care enough to listen". Maybe some of you do care, maybe some of you do give a damn, but in the end none of us really care. None of us care enough to actually find out what is wrong with someone and take time to help. Those who do are rare. Yet when they come across so many that don't they slowly begin not to care either. That is how I am becoming, those who said they cared got tired with what was bother me, I understand it got annoying, but it was still bothering me. Yet when you come to be about things that bother you constantly, I listen, I try to help, but why should I any more?

You say you care, prove it. You say you are different, show it. Stop being a cliché, stop being a hypocrite. I'm tired of it and I won't be standing for it any longer.

I wasn't born to be the way I have been. I wasn't born to be a pleaser, I wasn't born to care how things affected others. I was born to be a leader, a trend setter, a right bitch if you'd prefer to think of it that way. I am strong, determined, and I refuse to fall to the level I once was at. I'm done with you if you can not accept this or how I may speak to you from now on. If you can't take it, then remove yourself from my life. I don't need you. The only one I can truly depend on is myself and I know this now.

I've been through trials in my life and I do not doubt that you have not. We all go through them so do not think you are the only one who has or that yours has been tougher, to each their own. I've loved immensely and I've lost greatly. I've been through the deaths of some close to me, I've been through the loss of good friends, and I've been through other demons that lay waiting in my closet. I have things I think of daily and torment me, but they are mine to deal with. I have regrets yet I learn from them. I have done things that make me sick to think about, but I continue on with my life.

My life, mine to deal with, mine to choose who stays in it, just as yours is yours. I have things to deal with daily, I don't need people adding onto it. Do not bitch at me for my choices, deal with your own. Do not bitch at me for something you do yourself. Do not attempt to hold your double standards to me, I will not follow by them any longer. You want to be part of my life, prove it. I'm not going to sit back and take all your dealings anymore. I am not going to let you hold me back waiting to know what is going on with you before I can make a choice to do something. I have a life, I have things I want to accomplish, things I wish to do, places I wish to go, people I wish to meet. None of you will determine what I do any longer. As I've said, if you can not deal with it, remove me.

I want my future, I want my life, I want to live. I want to love immensely and take on the things that come with it. I want to live freely as though I were to die the next second. I no longer wish to hold regrets, dwell on the past, or worry of mistakes I made. This life is too short, my life is too short, my life is half over or even almost over. I've held back too much in my life to continue on.

I have things to do, places to go, people to meet, a life to live. So if you want to be part of that, prove it to me. You have your own things to deal with, I get that, but if you want me part of your life, prove it. I'm tired of waiting and not knowing, you may not know either what you want to do, what you want, but how can I hold on if you don't know you want me part of your life? I know I said I'd wait, I know I said I'd always be there, and I shall. I won't give up on you if you try. I will always be there if you don't push me away. But prove it that you want me. I can't waste my life away waiting. No, you didn't ask me to, I made the choice to wait as long as I have, but it's been long enough. If you can't make a choice by now, how do I know you ever shall.

There are people that want to be part of my life and I know this. Those are the ones that prove they want to be, they make effort. So why should I waste my time on those who do not?

I've never been one to speak much, I prefer to sit back and observe, see how people act and react. Watch human nature at its finest and interact when I feel the need to. I keep myself closed off to most for I know those won't last long in my life, simply a passerby. Those who do get to know me rarely get to know me fully, and those who have even gotten close to knowing me fully never shall. I change, I adapt, I deal with things in my own way.

Now I am dealing with all this in my own way. I have things to do, so I will be doing them, I will be building my life, with or without you. Want in it, prove it, make effort. I may be around and I may not be, I have a house to unpack, a body to strengthen and slim, a family to take care of, and a future to figure out. I will live my moment to moment even if I have future plans made. I will not expect those plans to work, but I shall attempt to make sure they do. I am dealing with my life, building my life, living. Get your life in order, I'm getting mine there and figure out if you want me in yours or not, or I may do it for you.