Reflection

Notation: This may upset a few readers, I don't care, deal with it, this is my journal, my thoughts, my dealings.

As most of you know I'm 25 now and to me I've hit "that" stage in my life. I'm at the age I expected to be getting engaged to guy I've known for a few years and dated at least a year. I know it doesn't have to be that way, I can get engaged at anytime and have that future family, but this is the time I expected it, hoped it would be set as in my life.

As the saying goes "life is short, live each day to its fullest" I happen to believe in a great deal.

Some of you know and I'm sure most of you don't. At 17 my off and on boyfriend died in a car crash. We happened to be back on at that time and he had just moved a town over a few days before it happened. He was one of my first light loves. His soul was so free and wild, he didn't let simple limitations keep him from doing things. And in a way that is what got him in the end. They say they know when you're going to die, he did. He talked about it weeks before it happened, how he wanted to redeem his soul, how he wanted to be buried and all that stuff. There is honestly not a day that goes by that I don't think of him. He gives me hope and inspiration to live my life to the best I can each day, to keep striving for what I want and believe in.

I have past regrets and I really try not to, but I do regret not saying something or doing something because I was too scared. Thing is things do happen for a reason, things go a certain way for a reason, things are left unsaid for certain reasons, but what reasons? Is it because that's how it's supposed to go? That we aren't meant to do something or be with someone? Or is it because we are too scared to try?

I'm tired of living in the shadows of others. I'm tired of trying to make everyone else happy before myself. I'm just tired of life as it is. Yet I'm still here going on, not really for me, but for the others that depend on me. I think it's time I start living my life for me. So if it seems I've changed, I have, I'm not hear to please you any longer. I'm not hear to hold my words so it won't upset someone. I will be blunt, I will be honest about how I feel, I have nothing to hold back anymore.

For those of you that have read my past journals you know how I feel about love and a bit of what I've been through. More personally some of you know what I've been through recently. I won't share those details in here, those are more personal just not for me but the others included in it. I've looked over the past year of that, I've learned a great deal about it as I went through it all. I know what happened to me and I know how I feel about it, no matter what any of you say to me about it, it is how I feel about it. You get upset with me for talking about it, don't you think it happens to help me talk about it? Especially with those of you I feel close to? Yet you can't be the friend to do that with me? Fine, so be that, it just shows where our "friendship" stands.

So here I am sitting and thinking about my life, the past, the present and where I want the future to go. And as some of you know I'm stuck in a pretty complicated spot. In a way I'm kinda stuck in a version of Twilight and for those of you who actually read the book, not watched the movie, you might get the idea of what I mean. I've been compared to Bella since the book came out even before I read it myself and when I did I saw similarities. Now I do have an Edward in my life. A monster of sorts, strong willed, seen as so wrong for me and yet I love him with every fiber of my being. Funny thing is a Jacob has recently entered my life, he has become a good friend and could even be more than just a friend. He listens to what I have to say, doesn't judge me on it and is there for me. Now for those of you who have read the whole story you know Bella ends up with Edward in the end. Though there was a chance she could have been with Jacob at one point. Comes down to it even though my story is similar to Twilight, its not Twilight, it is my own story of life.

I'm not making choices on my love life right now. I know who I want to be with but may never be and I won't "settle" with someone because it isn't fair to them. So I stay stuck in this complicated spot to I either can fully let go of the first or the first can fully take me on. I do love them both in different ways but as the second knows I am still very much in love with the first. I haven't left a thing out to the second, they know how I feel, they know what goes on in my head, and they stay on their own accord. Even when I tell them they shouldn't for I may end up hurting them.

I can say the second has helped me a good bit, has help me out of my "depression" and back into seeing things. They can cheer me up and make me smile a good bit. They could very well be a future if I ever let go of the past completely. But as they know I don't want to let go of it, I want my past to be part of my future. I hate being in spots like this because it does usually mean someone ends up hurt and if I could I'd rather it be me then anyone else.

Now as most of you have read my journals know I'm not looking for advice, I'm just getting things out of my chest and mind. Freeing my mind up a bit because as I write it does help me think though I can end up rambling in these.

As it stands though I don't know what I'm going to do for my future. I'm going to wake up each day and go about my life because its all I have. I'm not promised tomorrow but I can look forward to it. I'm not promised anything but I can hope for everything. And I'm not promising anyone else anything, it will happen as it happens.